Introduction: This was written while wondering why people play control games in love, with love and sex. I’m perplexed by the contradictions out there. The over sexualization out there combined with the dogmatic condemnation of sex.
As a man I’ve found a particularly dangerous expression of this contradiction in women who play the seductive role for the sake of coercing a man into a controlling and severe relationship. It becomes dangerous for a man because those women are often waiting to demonize men, and sexuality, and even anything a man has shared with them, the moment that he doesn’t play along with their controlling game.
That can be scary for a man. I’ve said enough about my experiences though because I don’t kiss and tell, about the good or bad. I’ve generally experienced both extremes with the feminine including what I am going to write about in this essay as I see the true purpose of the feminine beauty. I’ve also experienced its dark side. You might say its controlling and heartless side. Which I consider to be very in line with negative masculinity as both lack heart and aren’t in touch with organic soul. On the male side there are abusive men who use force against women to control them. Sexuality isn’t fully recognized in controlling behaviors, it’s used as a tool to control and take something from others.
It’s sad when people do that because our passions and sexualities are such beautiful things.
The thing about anything in life is we can use it for creativity and joy or for control, but not for both. You can believe otherwise but we all find out the truth, either being on the controlling side or being the person who is subject to someone else’s controlling behavior. We can’t make others love us. Using force or force through coercion/blackmail to make others love us creates the conditions of false love and the illusion that we are loved. It doesn’t give us love.
Love begins in self acceptance and becoming comfortable with others. Love begins in loving ourselves and letting others love us. Real, deep love is met in the condition of receptivity and allowance. It’s not something we can control or put conditions on.
Actually, speaking about the authentic feminine it’s purpose is to teach us about being receptive and receiving love and beauty. Centering ourselves and allowing it, not grabbing it like an overly excited sexual partner. The authentic feminine also teaches us about conditional love in the form of transient and mortal love. This is the lesson to experience, let go and enjoy the moment but realize that it is transient. Even if you find one true monogamous partner one of you is going to die first, so the corporeal love affair ends eventually.
The authentic feminine’s teaching is to accept that life is mortal and can have challenges, but still to remain open to the beauty of it and let the love flow. Women are close to this lesson with their monthly cycles and the labors they experience in childbirth, and the child knows that there is nothing like a mother’s love. The receptivity toward life and love is the authentic archetype of beauty and seduction at work. It is to get us so worked up in joy and the ecstasy of experiencing life, and of creatively engaging in life, that we transcend our fears and in that way transcend the mortal condition (even though we’re most deeply enmeshed and aware of it).
It is the lesson of total unconditional love and acceptance, and that conditional beauty will always find a way to flow. Watch nature, no matter what is done to nature it always finds a way to make a place beautiful. We’re each and all beautiful if we want to accept it. In that acceptance we will find all love, from conditional erotic love to unconditional love. Love and beauty of all kinds are expressions of each other.
The feminine has been denigrated in our world though, and there are many negative programs which are dark distortions of femininity and masculinity that we act out. Sometimes we do so out of the fear and subconscious belief that we have to counter the dark behavior of others with our own. So conditional love for women becomes using physical love and emotion to gain/control a man who makes the most money/has the most stuff. Men play their own game by trying to sequester the the most stuff/be the most domineering toward women who are treated as attainable prizes.
As for the masculine, the false impulse to gain and sequester the most “stuff” (even hurting others in the process) is rooted in the masculine drive and duty of building the most energy and vitality so that a man can impress a woman with his ability to please her. To a more superfluous extent the masculine drive to collect “stuff” is done to peacock for potential partners, but security and the nests we build are most importantly built within. The false masculine impulse to be domineering is rooted in the drive to be self secure and decisive in life.
When it comes to the dance of love; authentic masculine and feminine power, as much as we can build up, eventually comes down to using it to move, motivate, inspire the opposite and your partner. It’s realizing that you are a mighty person or beautiful person but you’re using that in a dance that is about more than you, you can only really get to know yourself in the dance. You use it to help the “other” reach the sky… and through their joyful swells of heart, their palpitations and deep feelings you get to experience that part of yourself too (feminine or masculine).
There’s a reason that chivalrous knights kneel to the maiden, and that men get on one knee to propose. It is a completely sexual and passion drenched reason. It is saying, “I submit myself. Take me, show me, teach me your mysteries and beauty”. It is not giving away the ego and masculine power, it is a conscious bowing and self control of the male ego to recognize the power and beauty of the feminine, and its mysteries.
There is a reason that in our oppressive world women are drugged and laid down during childbirth, and standing birth is still seen as kooky (standing birth mind you can put the man or masculine partner in a position under the woman – her beauty, mystery and reproductive power). I’m not saying that natural birth is for everyone but the archetypal metaphors and symbolism in our world and how we do things says a lot about our world. Every behavior and pattern that we live is an archetype in motion. We are living expressions of deeper energies and intentions.
Authentic love is about realizing that, seeing the beauty in ourselves, accepting it, surrendering in it and playing in it because when it comes down to it love and sex are supposed to be enjoyable.
Even in authentic erotic love there is no chase. There can be playful games and teasing but there is no ultimate beginning and end. It’s a song with peaks and valleys but that is continuous. We like to think in linear set beginnings and ends though. In that context erotic love boils down to chasing and conquering someone (and then wondering why they’ve changed and getting bored with them). For men it’s often about ejaculation. However the creative and spiritual reality that all creation exists is continuous creativity. I’m not saying that no one should ejaculate, I’m saying not to treat it or anything as the ultimate end of the dance (if you’re a man this can mean a “massage” for your partner if you come first). Love, of all kinds, is something we authentically do in joy, from a place of love and joy in ourselves. It’s the dance that eternally awakens in the heart.
Men and women who play these games don’t do so from a place of love. These are played from a place of fear and insecurity-especially when they’re played in reaction to how the opposite sex has hurt us. Usually the people who play them the most have been hurt the most.
How can that be fixed? How can anyone be helped? It’s a good idea to get in touch with the beauty in ourselves though. Including the parts of ourselves that we’re not in touch with, have repressed or demonized (which sexuality often is for people). It begins in self acceptance. In letting the love, beauty and sensuality that fills the world reach you.
It is in our power to make love and sexuality enjoyable. It is in our power to rediscover the joy of being in ourselves just as much as it is to make life miserable.
Sometimes it is a very higher minded thing to keep sexuality in the context of sexuality, romance for the sake of romance, and appreciate it for what it is. Sometimes this allows us to see deeper into ourselves and partners without trying to, without trying to make it something.
This is true if we seek and keep in mind meaningful engagements of our time and energy. Don’t be afraid to explore what that means for you and can mean for you.
These meaningful uses of time and energy can’t be defined by a certain relationship type or contractual agreement. You can’t make someone love you. No amount of sweetness can force someone into a relationship agreement… but we try… Sometimes we succeed. Then we set yourself up for pain because someone will wake up eventually. There will be a break up, or divorce, or someone will cheat on the other person.
Trying to control other human beings with sexuality, to control their sexuality and have exclusive access to their love is going to invite problems because it’s a dark agenda to begin with. I don’t mean devilish as in Earthly, sensual, passionate (things that are demonized in our masculine-out-of-touch-with-the-feminine and autistic world). I mean it as cold, dark and misery inducing. Real devils are robots without feeling, not passionate grounded creatures alive with the bliss of life all around us.
Too often we’re willing to do anything to force or coerce others into relationships and contracts because we’re reacting to the mirage of contracts, to programming in ourselves that tells us that we need a partner. We need to get married. We need children. We can’t be alone… and we devalue ourselves, we peddle ourselves to try to gain certainty from another uncertain human being, we play all sorts of games because we believe we have to to net a partner. It’s all for nothing because we’re not stagnant creatures. I don’t mean that to be cynical. The person passionate for freedom is going to seek that freedom with love, to see through their conditioning out of love, passionately drop the dark games. Once we realize how futile the games are and we stop playing them we’re free to get to know and explore ourselves. We’re free to find and create real connections with other human beings that may become deeper and turn into relationships.
There’s two big intentions we can set in love. That is the intention of freedom which is genuine love, or the intention of arrestment which is inauthentic love.
There are no such things as contracts set in stone (our world is full of contracts that attempt to deny reality, debt based money is an example). We are fluidic, ever changing beings. Sure the basic essence of what we are remains but we go through many stages, cycles and changes in life. We often share agreements with others when we engage in the dance of love with them, and these agreements are usually unspoken. They are in the mutuality we share with others.
True love has no contracts though. It’s loving someone and that they and you will change. It’s creating a space in your heart for them, with open two way doors. It’s realizing that you can share with someone if you choose to and share for the pure sake of sharing.